Q8 Counseling

Self-control is an exhaustible resource.

This bit of news comes from a study reported in a great book called Switch (Chip and Dan Heath). College students were divided into two groups and told they were participating in an experiment on temptation. Each group was put in a room with a plate of radishes, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies. One group was told, "Do NOT eat the radishes. No matter how tempted you may be, the radishes are off limits." The other group was told the opposite. No chocolate chip cookies. ("Feel free to eat the radishes.")

At the end of the allotted time, the "researchers" said, 'Thank you very much.' Since you're here anyway, would you like participate in another short experiment?' All the students agreed. The same groups were then given puzzles to do. Instructions were to trace a complicated puzzle without lifting the pencil or retracing any lines.

Here's the interesting part. The puzzles were intended to be impossible. Unsolveable.

The 'No radishes' people tried an average of 34 times before giving up. The 'No cookies' people gave up after an average of 9 attempts. After repeating this experiment a number of times, the conclusion was that those groups who had needed to exercise self-supervision or self-control in order not to give in to the temptation to eat the cookies ran out of mental oomph much sooner than did those who resisted the radishes (Does anyone have to "resist" radishes? Ick)

These findings are more important than it may appear at first read.

"This is a crucial realization, because when we talk about "self-control," we don't mean the narrow sense of the word, as in the willpower needed to fight a vice (smokes, cookies, alcohol). We're talking about a broader kind of self-supervision. Think of the way your mind works when you're giving negative feedback to an employee, or assembling a new bookshelf, or learning a new dance. You are careful and deliberate with your words or movements. It feels like there's a supervisor on duty. That's self-control, too." (page 11)

If I have exhausted my ability to self-supervise due to my circumstances, I will be less able to monitor myself in other situations if it's needed. 

Another way to put this is to think in terms of associative or cognitive tasks. Associate tasks require no self-monitoring. Take handwashing. I can wash my hands while I talk with Bill, or while I make a decision about what to have for dinner, or while scolding the cat and pushing her off the counter with my elbow. None of these activities interrupt the hand washing. This is an associative task. If I'm driving here in Kuwait, I can do nothing else. If I don't remain vigilant and attend to everything around me, the chance that I will have a 'prang' as my British friends call it, goes WAY up. I can't think about work, talk on the phone, eat, drink, or be merry. I can only drive. Self-supervision is definitely required.

So when I get home, I don't want to decide what to make for dinner. Or what movie to watch. I'm done with mental work. (The consequence of this is many nights of cereal for dinner)

Where this matters is when we're asking our clients to change "one thing." In order to change that "one thing," they must live mindfully - constantly self-supervise so they remain aware of the situations where this "one thing" needs to be applied; self-monitor so the agreed upon change is actually implemented; mentally focus so that the results of applying that change are noted and assimilated.

Many of my clients who report having had a successful week in implementing a change also report being "exhausted;" "tired;"  or "worn out." Where this becomes important is in balancing all that self-supervision with self-care. 

Under stress, or in new circumstances, or while working hard to change a core belief or negative schema, I've had clients lament about taking up old (bad) habits again without conscious choice, almost as if, as one client put it, "I have no will to fight that part of my brain!" (She had begun to bite her fingernails again after breaking the habit as a teen) I didn't really have any explanation for her then, but I do now. 

Now I explain how, just as with recovering addicts/alcoholics, the acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is just as important to their process of change. When vigilant self-supervision is required, the spectre of H.A.L.T. is a reality. And the antidote is SELF CARE.

It is not possible to renovate or renew the psyche without a comprehensive plan for self-care. Taking time out of a stressful, hyperattentive week to do something which requires no mental control at all. (The spa comes to mind, but I'm sure others have other favorite pastimes). I now give this aspect of therapy much more weight than I used to, and together with my clients, we do a formal self-care plan for the period of therapy.  While I currently have no empirical evidence, anecdotal evidence supports a smoother, less 'bumpy' therapeutic process and a greater degree of success for my client in effecting a significant paradigm shift. Helping my client develop a lifelong habit of caring for the Self is a very satisfying bonus.

Pick up Switch if you can. It's well worth the read.