Q8 Counseling

Forgiveness does not change the past,

but it does enlarge the future.  

~Paul Boese

It is not uncommon during couples' counselling, to have one partner say to another, "I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

Saying 'Sorry' is often used as a magic "Get out of jail" card when confronted by another with a flaw, mistake, or offense. This is not forgiveness. This is not the operation of forgiving, and it is not a particularly effective way of resolving interpersonal wounding. "I'm sorry" is suitable for things like accidently stepping on your partner's foot; forgetting to pick up the clothes at the drycleaners; leaving something in the photocopier; or not washing your mug at work. 'Sorry' covers inconvenient, inadvertent, or irritating behaviors that don't truly victimize. It's part of civility to acknowledge when something I've done has inconvenienced someone else, but forgiveness in these situations is not generally sought nor required.

Forgiving, on the other hand, requires counting the cost. True forgiveness is never cheap because I must first reconcile within myself the emotional wound caused by another before I can consider my position on the offender. As pointed out in Part I, this is difficult. It is hard work to put my emotional pain into perspective and to let go of my natural desire to be compensated or to exact vengeance.

When my clients tell me, "I have to forgive him to move on... don't I?" I ask if they've cut the emotional tie to the offender. Most often they haven't and we work on this first.

I then ask, 'Did the offender ask you to forgive him?' Often the answer is 'No.'

It's a moot point until he does.  

Having freed myself of the emotional tie to the offender, the next step is actually considering the offender him/herself. I ask my clients, "Has there been any acknowledgment of the wound/offense?" If the answer is no, we work out if this is even possible. There are times when it simply isn't. 

Years ago I worked with a client that had been systematically abused by her grandfather over a period of years. Eventually she disclosed the abuse, but sadly, it tore the family apart resulting in additional wounding to the young woman. In the process of therapy, she was able to cut the emotional ties to both her grandfather and her mother, and was working on what to do about her abuser. She was feeling very guilty because she couldn't 'forget' what the grandfather had done. (He was still a part of the family events having served a number of years in prison for the abuse of my client and her brother).  Having healed from the wounding, she believed she was required to treat her grandfather as if nothing had happened. 

"So let me summarize - your grandfather abused you, was convicted for this, but he has never acknowledged the offense nor has he asked for your forgiveness?"

"Right."

"So what's to forgive? He hasn't asked."

"But I thought I had to forgive him in order to move on."

"Are you prepared to forgive him if he asks?"

"I'm not sure. If it means letting him kiss and hug me at family gatherings, no. If it means letting go of my desire for vengeance, I think I've already done that."

"Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. For you, your grandfather will never be a safe person again. To try to force yourself to act otherwise is a recipe for crazy-making. You have done the work of letting go of the need for compensation or vengeance, and you received justice in that he was convicted of the crime of sexual abuse. So I hear you say that IF your grandfather were to ask you to forgive him, you feel that you could probably do that."

"I think so."

"Then you have gone as far as YOU need to go in this situation. The next step in your grandfather's."

My client is not responsible for the offender's behaviour... ever. And to expect her to extend forgiveness to someone who hasn't asked for it is asking her to take responsibility that isn't hers. 

So it is with any wounding. Between partners, I often model the process of forgiveness and reconciliation. I teach the first part - cutting the emotional tie - and then model the second part. Asking for forgiveness is not saying 'Sorry.' Just as cutting the emotional tie is a work done internally, asking for forgiveness is an acknowledgement of the wounding and a request for mercy.

It's the 'request for mercy' part that causes problems. We object to being placed in a position of requiring largesse or mercy from another. We do all sorts of things to avoid admitting culpability or responsibility in order to avoid looking bad to another. (This is a really not cool thing about humanity.)

So it goes like this...

"I was really rude to you tonight in front of our guests and I have no excuse for wounding you like that. Will you please forgive me?"

Notice the parts - acknowledgement of the offense, accepting responsibility without excuse, and asking for mercy. The offender must then wait for a response from the wounded party.  And if the offender is sincere, he/she will be willing to hear how the behaviour in question impacted the other. 

Here's where the two parts come together - having forsworn my right to compensation, I am more easily able to acknowledge the humanity of the offender, and forgive since I am also human, and have wounded others.  Forgiving is not forgetting - the offender may remain unsafe (i.e., the grandfather) or not (a partner). A form of relationship may be restored depending on the offense, the circumstances, and the offender - I may choose not to place myself in a position where such a wounding could happen again.

In forgiving we no longer holds the wounding against the other. We are then truly free to make personal choices about interactions with the offender. This is a right every individual has with regard to others, and in working through the process of personal healing, our choices can be much more objective and balanced than previously, when every thought of the grandfather is accompanied by fear, resentment, anger, or bitterness.

The final step is the conscious act of mentally marking that offense not as 'forgotten' but as 'forgiven.' I will no longer hold my wounding against the offender as if this is the 'sum' of the other. I choose to see the whole person, and the work I have done in forgiving makes that possible.

Forgiveness is not easy but it is possible.